Do you ever lay in bed, right exhausted, wanting more than anything to clock out, only to find your little brain working overtime? The past week or so I've been exhausted because Pip's waking up like a bloody newborn & all I want to do is sleep in between settling her...

But I can't...My mind is wandering, reflecting on this past year & no matter what I do it won't stop...At times it's gently embracing a special moment & then seconds later it seizes, panics almost choking me with fear like it did all those months ago...

The other night I laid beside Pip just listening to her breathing...I didn't even realize I was crying until my pillow was soaked in tears...I was just overcome with such thankfulness...Such love...Such relief that she/we made it to one year...I laid there remembering the sleepless nights where I literally would watch for every breath & keep my hand on her little chest to make sure...When she was in heart failure I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep for almost 2 weeks straight...And then the months and months of nights where she was hooked up to a machine & every beep would somehow frighten me into thinking the very worst...

It all seems so long ago but when I really let myself think about it, the emotions in those moments come back like it was yesterday...I've said it before, but when you are in the moment you just kinda go on auto-drive...You as the mumma, just do what needs to be done & your emotions for the most part in that moment aren't what matter- Making sure your baby girl is okay is all that matters...So you just get on with it & move on with it...And as life happens you don't really have time to reflect back...Or at least I don't too much- Until now..

It's hard for me to even remember much about the first few weeks Pip was born...I remember certain key moments like the delivery, Noal meeting her for the first time, how we found out she had Down syndrome, weeping in Craig's arms for days, being completely gutted to hear she needed major eye & heart surgery within the first few months of her life & overall just feeling so devastated with what fate had allotted us....A lot of those first few weeks with Pip are a blur...
I just really remember the emotions I had in those moments...But the everyday living- the days upon days of no sleep- the concept of time are all a blur...I honestly can't tell you who came to visit those first few weeks- what was ever said- how I even acted...I don't remember at all...

Like I said I don't really dwell or reflect too much on the past, but I imagine I am now, because of Pip's first birthday next week...Going through pictures...Writing her a birthday letter...Working on a special birthday gift...I think the emotions of the year are all of a sudden catching up with me...
And as scared and as sad and as angry as I have felt this past year - That is not what is in my heart today...I am glad I had those emotions, those feelings, those moments where I wanted to swear, kick, punch God, Fate, Karma whomever in the neck...I'm glad I felt it all this year...Because really, it has brought me to the place I am at today...

And that place is peace...That place is knowing without a doubt that I am meant to be this baby girl's mumma...That place is knowing that what I once thought of the world & life, is nothing compared to what I think of it now because of her...That place is love...Oh such love...


 And yes, there will still be days where I am angry, sad, jealous, scared & more...But that's okay...I'm okay...Pip's okay & I'm just so damn happy that together we are here about to celebrate her 1st...


 Sweet Jesus, what a year to reflect on....No wonder my little mind a racing...