Fade...


12 weeks ago, my husband raced through red lights, telling me to breath through contractions. We barely made it to the hospital, slow-danced through a couple contractions & in less than 45 minutes my big 9.9 pounder was born. And just like that I became a momma of three & obsessively in love with another little boy. 
 

And I don't know if it's because Theo is my 3rd child and I'm that much more busy & tired - Or if it's because Pip with everything she has {Down syndrome, Hypotonia, Heart defeats, etc} stretched out the newborn-baby phase in a lot of ways, but I'm sad.



I'm sad that I'm already giving away clothes that are too small because this is my last baby, and I'll never have newborn sleepers again. I'm sad that he's starting to roll over because before I know it he will be walking. I'm sad that he's cooing because in a handful of months he may be already saying his first word. I'm sad that every night I co-sleep with him is a night closer to him one day sleeping on his own. 



I'm sad it's all happening so very fast. 12 weeks...12 BLOODY weeks. I literally blinked and those weeks are gone. 


I so wish there was a way to stay in this phase for longer. I wish I could smell that notorious newborn scent anytime my children were near. I wish the feeling of being completely & utterly needed when my baby smiles after nursing, lingered longer. I wish the huge-dopey-baby-grin when he hears my voice lasted well past his teenage years. I just wish you could grab life in these precious, precious moments & remember them completely.



But you can't - They fade. And that is what makes me sad. 



When I try to remember what it felt like with Noal & Pip at this stage - I can't. Not really. I can't remember exactly what shade of blue Noal's eyes were even though I stared at them for hours on end {first baby benefit} - Nor can I remember, exactly, Pip's content little nursing smile even though I breastfeed her till she was two.


It fades. The overall memory is there. But the details fade. And I just so desperately wish they didn't have to. 


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