Well this feels weird. 
All of it. 
First off. 
Writing in this space.
I haven't wrote here in ages. 
I blame Instagram. It's just so easy. 
Them damn stories keep you entertained. 
And for me, they kinda keep me connected. 
When I share something via stories.
I'm either posting it because it's a cute video of my kiddos, that I want to keep for myself. 
It's something I find funny & want to literally have a space that holds things that make me giggle
It's something I'm passionate about changing - I can be seen ranting & raving about things that I felt I had to get loud about. 
Or it's something I want my friends & family to see.
It's this beautiful portfolio of my life. 
These little squares & stories. 
That I get to click on & re-live.
And I LOVE that. 

This post isn't supposed to be about Instagram, but I guess in a way, looking through everyone else's squares today on New Year's Eve, is what sent me back here. 

While everyone is posting their #TopNine photos of the year or summarizing what the past 365 days have meant to them. 
I'm sitting here, hibernated with 3 kids, 1 full blown sick, 2 on the verge. 
After just coming off a hack-of-a-cold-and-cough-job myself. 
I've sent my husband off to visit more family.
My best friend's trip got cut short because of a massive ice storm. 
And I'm eating chocolate like a squirrel hibernating nuts. 
Every single time I go near the pantry. 
A chocolate almond or something goes down my hatch. 
I literally have no idea what day of the week it is.
I showered last night for the first time in like 4 days. 
And I've ate Doritios for dinner twice this week. 
So, you can believe me, when I say, I'm freaking blown away. 
At what others accomplish. 
At what others seem to be able to do.
Where they get to go, travel & explore. 
And I can't even help, but compare our situations. 
I don't have albums/stories that capture my year. 
Seeing everybody else's recaps.
I'm over here, like barely remembering, what I served for dinner yesterday. 
Let alone what I did all year long. 

 I don't have elaborate plans or goals for 2020.
Because, to be honest, I haven't really had energy to think that far ahead. 
2019 was all about survival. 

 And I don't have favourite accounts to share or a giveaway to extend. 
Yet, I follow all year long, people that do. 
Who seem to be doing this life thing, so much better. 
Or at least their squares imply. 
And that's the thing.
What does our space mean? 
What does mine? 
I recently heard. 
A mom decided to terminate her pre-diagnosed Down syndrome baby, because she "Couldn't do what I do" & from what I share on Happy Soul Project, determined it would be "Too hard a life". 
And at first I was really, really, really hurt. 
It stung. 
Bad. 
And I mean bad. 
I am more use to getting messages & comments about how we've changed someone's perspective about Down syndrome in a positive way. 
Despite the struggles & challenges I share. 
But, then, when I really digested it. 
It didn't. 
Because it's honest. 
Both that mother's decision. 
And what I hope this space & my life comes off as. 
Being a parent. 
Being a mom of a child with extraordinary needs. 
Shoot being a freaking human being. 
Is HARD. 
And I can't hide that fact. 
I can't not share that my daughter, despite only being 7 has had 15+ surgeries. 
That every single time we go to the Doctors, I'm secretly holding my breath. 
Praying that it's not another diagnosis or bad news. 
I can't not share that I have to fight medical systems, education boards, bus companies & insurance. 
Oh, insurance. 
I can't not share that I have to fight them for equipment that saves my daughter's life, every single damn day. 
I can't not share that it's complicated how to navigate mommahood. 
The challenges I face raising good humans. 
While I try to be one myself. 
My life lately feels like such a blur. 
Blame that on the staggered sleep cycle of a T1D parent. 
Or just the fact that it feels like life is in fast-forward. 
With three young children in this season. 
Either way, this is me. 
Tired & in it. 
And I'm sorry. 
Sorry the hard out shined the not. 
Cause the not hard, shoot let me tell you.
It's enough. 
It's the glue. 
It's the in-between-moments.
That make it all up. 
And the peaks & valleys that follow the hardships. 
They really are so beautiful. 
Holding my daughter after each & every surgery. 
You'll never understand gratitude like that ever. 
Would I wish all of her surgeries a way? 
Of course. 
But, along the way, I've learn, I have no real control. 
God-Fate-The Universe, whomever seems to have this hopefully mapped out. 
All I can control is me. 

 And 7 years ago when my daughter was born, I created Happy Soul Project. 
With the sole purpose of showing my kids, that regardless of what life throws at me, I'm going to seek out having a happy soul. 
So, that doesn't mean I hide the hard. 
It doesn't mean the sad or the angry or the worry doesn't creep in. 
It means I try. 
And friends, that's enough.
Because all the squares, the good, the bad, the happy, the sad. 
Make up the entire picture. 
And regardless of the hard, I can't wait to see what squares make up my 2020 moments.
So, cheers to the next season.
Happy New Years...







#TakeThatTopNine
#YaWeirdosLikeMeInATowel
#Super
#MakeYourSquares
#MeanSomethingToYOU
#SeeTheFullPicture
#Over2019
#InThisSeason
#mommahood
#AndPleaseNotONEComment
#MeanOrInappropriateToThatMom
#NOJUDGING
#NotWhatPostIsAbout
#HappyNYE
#CheersTo2020