Sometimes I disappear. 
I ghost online for a bit.
And it takes me a few days to get back to friends via texts/messages.
I don't mean to do it. 
It just happens. 
Sometimes, it's because I'm digesting something heavy in my own life. 
Or we got bad news about our daughter. 

Other times, it's cause I'm caught up in the chaos, my life, with my three seems to create. 
Or I get lost in the mundaneness-of-motherhood.
The tasks that each day brings with it.
And lately, I'm finding the stretch-in-between my kids, the most it's ever been before. 

My big kid is sooo big kid. 
Stays up later. Sleeps in now.
Is right into anything his dad digs. 
Hockey, hockey, blah, blah, hockey. 
Finds his little brother & sister & what they like doing, extremely annoying. 
Is dramatic, as I ever was. 
And I already find his Gr 3 math homework, completely over my head. 

The two littles bicker like an old married couple. 
Following and poking each other on continually. 
Yet, enjoy being together & are on the same page when it comes time, to how they play and communicate. 
Pip while 7 is more developmentally like Theo whose 4. 
So, win/win there. 

But, on top of what life with 3 brings, ya throw in the cool mix of having extraordinary things, happen to my extraordinary kid. 
In which I'm up all hours of the night & have slept staggered sleeps for weeks upon weeks. 
Who am I kidding - Years upon years.
In which I'm called into the school to change pumps that malfunction, have had major issues with her equipment lately & the constant beast of change sucks the life outta me, like any parent of a Type-One-Diabetic does. 

It's like having a newborn in sooo many ways.
I'm constantly in the state of sleep, in which a new mother knows her baby will only be down for little while. 
I'm continually listening for sounds/alarms throughout the night & have a visual baby camera on at all times. 
And as soon as I feel like I've got something good going on with her sugar/levels/BG. 
Like a new momma would with getting in a groove of naps or bedtime or feedings. 
Something bloody gosh dang changes. 
In a baby and in Pip's case.
It could be ANYTHING. 

Changes in their sleep. 
Their excitement level. 
How much activity they got. 
If they're about to explode on a growth spurt. 
Hormone changes. 
What they ate. 
And the list goes on-and-on. 

Add in the whirlwind of our teachers out fighting for our kids, on random strike days & what seems to be the cursed-month-of-snow-days-once-if-not-twice-a-week-February. 
And well bloody hell,it kinda feels like the chaos is a few-kick-it-the-balls-levels higher & that I've been running a neighbourhood-part-time-daycare over here. 

And I haven't a freaking clue if the groundhog saw or didn't see his shadow. 
Or to be completely honest what it even means if he does either way.
But, where I live in Canada, there is still tons of SNOW and it's still tons the heck COLD. 
And, well.
Over it. 
I'm just so over it. 

Which brings me to my final reason of why sometimes, I don't post for a bit & take a wee social media break in a sense. 
Which can be odd, cause I go from gabbing about anything or sharing morning dance parties. 
To absolutely nothing.
It's just lately, whenever I jumped online, a few things would happen: 

1 - I get real jealous. Real fast. Of the people living in warmer climates. Including things like their footwear options, that do not include winter boots & their ability to go for evening walks. And please Canadians don't chime in about walking after dinner here & learning to enjoy winter. It's dark by 5pm - DARK. And freezing cold, like wind whipping your eyes making them water cold. 
No, thanks. 
Bubble baths instead. 
Anyways, I see others live in hot spots & I go down a "Ya got one life. ONE LIFE TO LIVE speech in my head. Wondering why the blundering hell we endure our time here in the frigid winters.

2 - I get overwhelmed at the loud & proud voices out there. People are doing such incredible things.  
It's hard to not feel as adept.

3 - Just when I go to post something, it seems the timing is off because a friend or someone I follow just posted about such tragic or heartbreaking moments. That literally tear me up inside. 


4 - Whatever I'm about to share seems so outrageously boring. 

I'm just not in that season. 
Where a lot is going on.
And I guess lately, just feeling a hibernation in a sense. 
Maybe that's the Canadian in me.
I'm like a big-old-momma-bear in a cave with her snuggly cubs. 
I've perfected my gluten-free-chocolate-chip pancakes.
I'm volunteering at the kids school on hotdog days. 
I've become a freaking taxi-cab lugging kids to playdates, guitar lessons and early morning field trips. 
And don't even get me going on the snack shop, sous chef, never-ending-Lunch-Making-Machine I am.

I've been in a season of stretching out bedtimes with each of them. 
Saying yes to more of their friends over & blowing up the bouncy castle in the basement. 
I'm in a phase of actually competing at Mario Kart, against my 8-yr-old and letting morning snuggles with everyone linger, even though that means racing breakfasts before school.

And in this burrowed state, I'm understanding that it's okay to step away. 
To disconnect on here.
Whenever I have to.
Learning so much lately. 
That each season. 
Each chapter. 
Every story. 
Has a place...