I lost it again...

This time in a charming, little restaurant {Bella's}, on Taco Night {Thank you fate}, sipping Shiraz with a very dear friend...

We talked. And I broke.

And it's as simple as, I don't feel like me. 

You see, while I'm totally known to cry leading up to Pip's surgeries, over a film that gets me good or something sweet my babies do that moves me. I'm definitely not known, to cry so very much. EVER. And I mean, me & my little family have been through some moments where we've had every right & reason to shed a few. 

But this time feels different, because on top of feeling utterly overwhelmed & with more responsibility & restrictions I ever thought possibly, I'm having to find a new me...

I'm trying to remain as true to me, who I've been, who I love - while quite literally having to add elements or characteristics that don't feel quite like me at all.

I think if asked, most would say, I'm a pretty easy-going type of human. I'm always the person whose late no matter what, goes-with-the-flow regardless & tries to make the best outta any situation. I'm the momma who let's her son wear ponytails if he chooses, co-slept them all, eat waffles for dinner & depends on youtube to babysit for portions throughout the day. I'm what some have described a free-spirit, a handful or a wee bit quarky. I once traveled as much of the world as I could, jumped outta a plane & been called a gyspy for my wanderlaust dreams. 

But right now, right in this moment, everything I love & know about myself, seems so very far away. 

Because not only do I have to learn what it means to become a parent of a child with Type 1 Diabetes, I have to live a lifestyle that is so far from the way I've lived the past 35 years of my life. I have to become a person bound by schedules, organization, restricted periods of time, counting carbs & weighting meals & facing my no-lie-I-pass-out-fear of needles, numerous times a day.  

Now I have to somewhat fit my life & our little family of five's lives, into this new mold that we've never really been in...

And it's hard, because through everything my daughter has had: surgeries, surprise disorders, even having to punch my beloved gluten, right in the throat. I've gotten for the most part, to be able to remain as close to who I am, throughout.

And I guess that's why I'm struggling hard with this one. Because this time it's not just a new diagnosis, it's a new me. It's somehow, creating & fine-tuning these characteristics in my personality that I don't have or that I use differently, so that they benefit me and my little family as we learn to change.

#AndIthoughtCeliacDiseasewasrestrictive, #T1D, #type1diabetes