"This night last year our whole world came crashing down.....My husband and I decided at about 9pm or so to take our son Maiysn to London sick kids ER. I still remember watching my husband carry our little boy into that hospital and how Maiysn was clinging so tight to his daddy with not a worry in the world, fully trusting that his parents were taking care of him....Little did we know that we would never walk out of that hospital with him again...They immediately looked at him and told us he needed to be in the PICCU (pediatric intensive care unit). They did blood work, x rays of his belly, and within a short time we were told he was in liver and kidney failure. They told us this wasn't good and they were going to do their best to try and get his kidneys working again....As soon as we got to the ICU something in Maiysn changed. He was mumbling words, he was confused and he was never the same! I remember they kept offering me a chair, or somewhere to sleep, but there was no way I was leaving his side!!!! My hands never left his warm body that whole night because I kept telling myself that I will never get the chance again to touch his soft warm hands, and maybe I felt like if I closed my eyes, or stopped touching him, that he would just give up!" 

This is what my best friend wrote remembering last year at this time. This is what a momma went through when losing her little boy. This is what a momma had to deal with when cancer decided to get involved. This is what every other momma's nightmares are made up of. 

This my friends, is tragic, unfair & so heartbreaking. This is what cancer can do. 

But what cancer can't do, is take away who Maiysn was to his momma. 

"Maiysn used to say to her "I love you more than you love me, mommy". And she would always say "that's not possible"

Cancer can't take away his memory or the legacy he's left behind...Tomorrow, November 17th, is the first anniversary of the day my best friend had to say good bye to her little boy. And while I literally suffocate just thinking of the pain she is dealing with, I truly can't even begin to imagine all she's been through. 

Tomorrow will be so very hard for her but I want her to know we remember Maiysn - We always will. Tomorrow, the legacy he left behind will soar and 100 Kick-It-Capes will be given out in honour & in memory of a little boy who touched so many. 

But friends, I also need you to help us remember him: 
  • Tomorrow please wear RED - It was Maiysn's fav colour and I joked with my best friend today, that if/when I make it to heaven, I'm going to give Maiysn heck for picking the only colour I don't wear, as his favourite. So please, wear RED & post a photo using #RedforMaiysn so that my best friend can feel the love.
  • Do something kind for others - Maiysn had such a kind, sweet spirit about him. The last time I saw Maiysn was a few weeks before he passed away and I wanted nothing more than to just hold him. And that’s what I did - So tightly and for so long, just soaking in all I could of him. And later Maiysn told his mom, "Auntie Tara was holding me too tight, my spleen really hurt but I let her cause I knew she wanted to." He just endured my snuggles, almost as if he knew I needed them. So do something kind for someone else in memory of him.
  • Please join Little Hands Kids for a Cause Holiday Toy & Loonie Drive in memory of Maiysn - All toys will be donated to hospitals & programs that helped him when he was in treatment. More information can be found HERE.

Imagine if you can, for even one second, the deep pain you'd feel of losing your child. To me it would be the biggest heartbreak in life. My best friend described it well when she told me her heart is just so "heavy"...

So, help me help lighten the load a wee bit & keep Maiysn's memory alive. 

The Baby After My Baby with Special Needs...

My beautiful-BIG-baby boy Theo was born almost 2 weeks ago & everything about him so far has been incredibly intense. 

This 3rd pregnancy was far more intense in terms of how I felt, how sick & tired I was & as a kicker, how long the little bugger stayed in

The labour & delivery was outta-control-intense, racing & just making it to the hospital, him arriving 48 minutes later at a whopping 9.9 pounds. We can all go ahead and just agree that me & my vagina get a gold freaking star for this one. 

But what I'm finding even more intense is how I feel now. The awe I felt when my first two children were born is there. The overpowering sense of love is there. The feeling like he belongs & was always meant to be a part of our family is there. But a new feeling, that I can't shake is also present. 

A feeling I blame his big sister for. 

You see with Pip, we were in a way, cheated out of the "newborn stage" - She was born & days later we were told she had Down syndrome, Congenital Cataracts, Congenital Heart Defects & more. We went from being in a "new parent bubble" to trying to keep our daughter alive & get through each surgery, each challenge, each hurdle. We went from innocently kissing her sweet newborn head to kissing through tears, while begging God to let us keep her. We went from figuring out each others bodies & breastfeeding to learning how to put in a feeding tube & look for signs of heart failure. We went from looking into her beautifully speckled Brushfield spotted eyes to maneuvering an itsy bitsy contact into one of them, patching the other & constantly being aware of if the contact was in place. We went from nothing was wrong, to what felt like everything was, in just a matter of days.

And in a way it's coming back to haunt me now. I don't think I got to truly think about it during the time because it was just survival mode and then move forward. 

But now every time Theo snuggles into me, I subconsciously think, "Oh no, little guy your contact" and then have to stop myself because he doesn't wear them. When Theo is breathing erratically instead of knowing all newborns do this, I automatically remember the signs of heart failure & begin to panic a little. And even though I know he doesn't have Down syndrome, I am checking the folds of his neck and the creases in his hands. 

It's almost as if I have to re-learn to just be...Just be still, take in & enjoy this "newborn" stage that I missed with my daughter. 

So, in a way I'm kinda thankful for having my last baby, after a baby with special needs. It's making everything more intense but it's also making me more grateful, more aware of every passing moment & more appreciative of what we've been through & what an absolute gift every baby & every day really is.

So, I'm intensely soaking it-them-Theo all up...