I'm having one of those pity-me-pity-Pip-pity-what-we-got-going-on kinda days...I realize by tomorrow afternoon, my stress, sorrow and snickers will be gone and that in the grand scheme of things, this really is not a big deal...I get that so many kids & families, have it so much harder...Trust me, my best friend is in a hospital hours away from her other kids because her little boy has cancer. So I get it, but bear with me here friends, because as routine-and-not-that-big-of-a-deal as this is, it still is my reality and it still sucks.

Tomorrow, Pip faces her 6th surgery... Six - Bloody hell. My little girl is not even two years old and she's had more surgeries than most people have their entire life.

Pip has conductive hearing loss & this time, she is getting #Myringotomy - aka Ear Tube Surgery. Ideally, this will help with the fluid in her ears, her constant congestion and also help accelerate her speech & language. Another thing common in kiddos with Down syndrome, that again, my darling Pip can check off the list...

The thing is I'm so bloody tired of that list...I just want for one moment to breath and just be with her...Not worry about another blood test, an upcoming surgery, new contacts, a heart check up, braces fitting, eye exams and on and on and on...

I'm so bloody sad that my little girl has yet another complication in life. She has already been through so much & with her eyes and such, has still so far to go.

I'm so bloody jealous of mommas that get to plan their days around play dates & activities and not therapies & specialists...My day and weeks leading up to any surgery are filled with appointments, keeping Pip "isolated" & away from germs as much as I can & endlessly looking at her trying to remember every piece of her, just in case.

I'm so bloody anxious that something will go wrong - These doctors/nurses/specialist are just human after all, and mistakes are bound to happen - I just continually hope not on my girl. 

I'm so bloody bitter that I'll have yet another sleepless night filled with worry and a morning with 4700 calories made up completely of snickers to ease or eat away that stress.

I'm so bloody tired of feeling so helpless...As a momma, it's me who makes Pip feel better when the nurses can't find a vein, it's me who she snugs her little body into if she's hurt herself, it's me who she looks for when she does something funny, it's me who gets the biggest smiles that light up her face & giggles that gurgle from deep in her belly...It's me who makes her feel safe...And I hate that for these small moments in her life there is absolutely nothing I can do.

And I'm so bloody scared, terrified really, at the thought of her not waking up.

Her very first surgery at 5 weeks old, had complications and she had a terrible time coming out of anesthetic and now every surgery since, I'm petrified it will happen again. I realize lots & lots of kids get these bloody Ear Tubes, and the surgery itself isn't that big of a deal - But you see, for me, it is...It's another routine surgery to add to her list of others. It's another round of doctor appointments and specialists to see on top of the Rolodex list she already does. It's one more thing on the check list of complications with Down syndrome, that my girl has to face that others don't...

So to be honest, this time I'm bloody annoyed....Enough already Fate - Seriously, Enough!!!