Finding the new me...

 
I lost it again...


This time in a charming, little restaurant {Bella's}, on Taco Night {Thank you fate}, sipping Shiraz with a very dear friend...



We talked. And I broke.



And it's as simple as, I don't feel like me. 


You see, while I'm totally known to cry leading up to Pip's surgeries, over a film that gets me good or something sweet my babies do that moves me. I'm definitely not known, to cry so very much. EVER. And I mean, me & my little family have been through some moments where we've had every right & reason to shed a few. 


But this time feels different, because on top of feeling utterly overwhelmed & with more responsibility & restrictions I ever thought possibly, I'm having to find a new me...


I'm trying to remain as true to me, who I've been, who I love - while quite literally having to add elements or characteristics that don't feel quite like me at all.


I think if asked, most would say, I'm a pretty easy-going type of human. I'm always the person whose late no matter what, goes-with-the-flow regardless & tries to make the best outta any situation. I'm the momma who let's her son wear ponytails if he chooses, co-slept them all, eat waffles for dinner & depends on youtube to babysit for portions throughout the day. I'm what some have described a free-spirit, a handful or a wee bit quarky. I once traveled as much of the world as I could, jumped outta a plane & been called a gyspy for my wanderlaust dreams. 


But right now, right in this moment, everything I love & know about myself, seems so very far away. 



Because not only do I have to learn what it means to become a parent of a child with Type 1 Diabetes, I have to live a lifestyle that is so far from the way I've lived the past 35 years of my life. I have to become a person bound by schedules, organization, restricted periods of time, counting carbs & weighting meals & facing my no-lie-I-pass-out-fear of needles, numerous times a day.  


Now I have to somewhat fit my life & our little family of five's lives, into this new mold that we've never really been in...



And it's hard, because through everything my daughter has had: surgeries, surprise disorders, even having to punch my beloved gluten, right in the throat. I've gotten for the most part, to be able to remain as close to who I am, throughout.


And I guess that's why I'm struggling hard with this one. Because this time it's not just a new diagnosis, it's a new me. It's somehow, creating & fine-tuning these characteristics in my personality that I don't have or that I use differently, so that they benefit me and my little family as we learn to change.



#AndIthoughtCeliacDiseasewasrestrictive, #T1D, #type1diabetes


3 comments:

  1. Anonymous6.10.16

    Perhaps this new you is exactly who you are meant to be. Your brave face (even when you don't feel so brave) is giving hope to others around the world. Your life and the lives of your family have a purpose, I am so thankful you share your purpose. You help others be brave just by being you. Kudos and a God Bless

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  2. Anonymous7.10.16

    Hi Tara....my name is Shannon. And I know the struggle well. My Momma is diabetic and has a slew of other crap too.. I just want you know I have your back girl. I also have medical issues..I was born 3 months almost 32 years ago. And now when I should be finding a job and living my 'adult life' I got punched in the stomach with major surgery on my head. I have hydrocephalus..so my sweet Tara you are very much NOT alone in trying/fighting if you will in to find a new you..I have your back. Much love to you. ❤

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  3. They say that change is hard. But sometimes, the changes we go through is what we need to become a better version of us. Just like the caterpillar that eventually turns into a beautiful butterfly. Maybe this transition of who you are will lead you to something better, something more wonderful, something beyond what you have imagined. Hang in there momma, the universe will eventually align for something greater for you and your family. :)

    Hugs from the other side of the world :)

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