Fade...


12 weeks ago, my husband raced through red lights, telling me to breath through contractions. We barely made it to the hospital, slow-danced through a couple contractions & in less than 45 minutes my big 9.9 pounder was born. And just like that I became a momma of three & obsessively in love with another little boy. 
 

And I don't know if it's because Theo is my 3rd child and I'm that much more busy & tired - Or if it's because Pip with everything she has {Down syndrome, Hypotonia, Heart defeats, etc} stretched out the newborn-baby phase in a lot of ways, but I'm sad.



I'm sad that I'm already giving away clothes that are too small because this is my last baby, and I'll never have newborn sleepers again. I'm sad that he's starting to roll over because before I know it he will be walking. I'm sad that he's cooing because in a handful of months he may be already saying his first word. I'm sad that every night I co-sleep with him is a night closer to him one day sleeping on his own. 



I'm sad it's all happening so very fast. 12 weeks...12 BLOODY weeks. I literally blinked and those weeks are gone. 


I so wish there was a way to stay in this phase for longer. I wish I could smell that notorious newborn scent anytime my children were near. I wish the feeling of being completely & utterly needed when my baby smiles after nursing, lingered longer. I wish the huge-dopey-baby-grin when he hears my voice lasted well past his teenage years. I just wish you could grab life in these precious, precious moments & remember them completely.



But you can't - They fade. And that is what makes me sad. 



When I try to remember what it felt like with Noal & Pip at this stage - I can't. Not really. I can't remember exactly what shade of blue Noal's eyes were even though I stared at them for hours on end {first baby benefit} - Nor can I remember, exactly, Pip's content little nursing smile even though I breastfeed her till she was two.


It fades. The overall memory is there. But the details fade. And I just so desperately wish they didn't have to. 


Hello...


There is this whole "one little word" thing now that is supposed to simplify making resolutions, goals or your focus for the New Year. 

Last year I wrote:

"One word, sheesh, as a writer that is both excruciatingly challenging & utter nonsense...I mean I could pick one of many words, that would carry me into 2015:

- Believe
- Shine
- Give
- Love
- Soar
Balance
- Create
- Grow

But here's the thing, while I could own and really try to live by any of these #onelittlewords that could be applied to my life right now - None of them sit well with me for some reason...What resonates with me and what I keep coming back to, is oddly "Throw caution to the wind". No clue why, but that's where my confetti little mind goes. 


For some reason on New Year's Eve I posted this pic of Pip with the words, "Today I'm thankful for the anticipation of all that is possible in 2015...Hope y'all have a year full of moments that knock your glasses off, make you laugh so hard you don't care about your double chin & is full of chances to throw caution to the wind"...And I guess without knowing, when wishing it upon all of you, in turn I was wishing that for myself." 


And when I look back on 2015, I truly believe I did just that.


- Hello, Jamaica & oops hello Baby #3 

- Hello, learning to let go & breath 

- Hello, facing my fears & giving a Ted Talk

- Hello, finding faith in unusual places



- Hello, things that were meant to change me


- Hello, anticipation 

- Hello, baby

- Hello, new challenge

- And Hello, love 

2015 was utterly amazing - I was stretched, moved, challenged & loved. All things that help to make me the person I strive to become one day. 




Pics by: www.genevievesimard.photography

 But when I think of 2016, the only word that keeps popping in my head is SURVIVE...I don't know if it's because of seeing my best friend deal with the pain of losing her son, the Netflix binge of The Walking Dead my husband & I are on, the one too many surgeries for Pip, the challenges that Celiac Disease now brings to the table, the whirl-winded chaos of being a momma of three, or the recent & scary loss of another friend's little boy, but SURVIVE is all I can think of. 


So, here's to surviving all the beautiful-chaotic-caution I'm gonna throw to the wind in 2016...