There is moments in life where time just freezes for a split second...Where it feels like you are truly taking in the moment- almost an out of body looking down on your life feeling...I can only truly recall this happening a few times in my life so far...

-Looking at Craig walking down the aisle to become his wife...For a brief moment I took everyone in but didnt really see anyone at all, except him...

-The awe I felt after Noal was born...After the utter exhaustion of 21 hours in labour & other complications- The moment his eyes looked in mine & the feeling of amazement.

-And a few short weeks ago when I held Reid after her surgery...I couldnt hear the nurses or machines- I could just feel her heartbeat & time froze...

The feelings I had in such moments are what will be forever with me...But what I just experienced the last 2 weeks feels like one long moment horrifically stretched into memories I will never be able to shake:
  • Hearing the doctor pull the curtain around us in the ER to give us privacy as he told me my baby girl was in heart failure with pneumonia after almost sending me home with saline drops & telling me "it's that season"...
  • How very small Reid looked as she was raced by ambulance to the intensive care pediatric unit...
  • The hum of machines attached to my child keeping her alive...The constant beeping that drove fear into me, & then fearing for her life when she was finally removed from them...
  • Sleepless nights on a chair brought into the isolated room that was home to Reid & I for 9 nights & the nurses busy chatter right outside the door...
  • The deep look of concern & saddness in numerous doctors eyes...
  • A fear & helplessness so deep in me I could barely leave Reid's side...
  • The painfully sad cries of other children on the pediatric floor, night after night...
  • The look of understanding from other mums who were their holding their babies, hoping & praying that the love they were giving was enough too...
  • Feeling once again the love from others & the strength it brought...The messages, thoughts, care packages, gift baskets, meals, visits, flowers & courage y'all gave amazed me...
  • The painful ache missing & being away from my Noal...I tried to get home for an hour or two to put him to bed every night while Craig sat with Reid...The look Noal gave me of not understanding what was going on had me crying the entire way back to the hospital...How do you explain to your 18 month old that his little sister's heart isn't working? For a few days, I was really afraid we were going to lose Reid & for some reason those were the days that Noal kept asking where "Reeee" was...He also wouldn't let me rock him to sleep like we normally do, instead he wanted to lay on the ground with me, with our noses touching & just stare at each other...The whole world froze then- just staring at my little boy, him so painfully confused & what seemed like angry at me & praying my heart out, begging God to get me & Reid home soon....
  • Playing the "waiting game" with a life...Waiting to see if this medication works, if not than hearing the doc's plan to try another...Waiting to see if she gains weight...Waiting to see if she can breath on her own...Waiting to see if the fluid leaves her lungs & her heart returns to a normal size...Waiting to see if she lives...WAIT-WAIT-WAIT the hardest thing in the world...Those that know me well, know that waiting or patience isn't my strongest strength...So, whether Fate or God chose to give me this test to teach me that trait- I got it now- Thanks a million- I'm good for life...

At the end of 10 long days, my darling Reid came home...She is still in heart failure- Looks like Our Little Miracle got taken away- The doctors think that the trauma/complications from the first surgery, caused the hole in her heart to open twice the size, in turn causing her little heart to work so much harder than it should...


So, although she was a good little eater she was burning every single calorie just to stay alive & wasn't gaining any weight since the surgery...Therefore, we have to "medically maintain" her with hopes that she doubles in size before she has to have heart surgery...That means she is on an intense eating cycle that includes, eating every 3 hours, breastfeeding on demand & a feeding tube that I had to be trained on before we were able to leave the hospital...I could have never in my life imagined any of this...Listening for a pop in my 9 week old's stomach to make sure the feeding tube is in place, falling asleep to the hum of a machine by my bed, & cutting out cute hearts to tape on my baby's face is all surreal...


But at the end of the day I will DO ANYTHING...If I feel like a bloody cow milking 12 times a day, so be it...I truly thought I was at my breaking point at times, it felt like I was drowning in fear & helplessness...But then once again Reid brought HOPE, STRENGTH & LOVE...such love...Seeing her struggle & fight for her life stirred something in me- she is SO strong, SO determined, SO special...And she's mine...



Oh, what this lovely little soul is going to teach me in life...The fierce love I have for her, the strength I didn't know I had & the indescribable HOPE she has brought to my life & so many others is amazing...I love you baby girl & I'm so happy you are home...