Life is beautiful because Reid Layne is here....

My whole world has been turn upside down...But maybe that’s the beauty of life...That’s what I’m hoping...It’s really hard, heartbreaking actually to sit down & write the words I am about to share but for me I feel that it may bring some healing, some acceptance & if anything prayers or positive thoughts for my darling little girl...

Exactly two weeks ago Reid Layne McCallan made her entrance in this world...The labour & delivery according to the doc was straight forward & easy...He didn’t feel the contractions so “easy” isn’t the word I would have used...But compared to Noal’s it really was a much nicer delivery...Only a few hours of contractions & 4 pushes later & my baby girl was here...The same euphoric, amazement spell hit Craig & I, and we basked in the awe of creating a little life like we had with Noal...
In those first few hours with Reid & Craig, everything was just perfect...My good friend Sam was taking care of Noal & sending me picture updates so I wouldn’t worry...Reid scored good on the Apgar test, latched perfectly & seemed like a content little thing...Craig was the beautiful, sensitive man I loved, telling me how strong I was & how happy he was & that our little family was perfect...For two days I lived in this world until it bluntly came crashing down, nearly taking me with it in shock, saddness & fear...
A few hours before Reid & I were released from the hospital a Pediatric Heart Specialist came to listen to a heart murmur a nurse had heard the night before on Reid...This alone scared me & I called Craig who was watching Noal to come back to the hospital immediately...While the doc was listening for a heart murmur he looked at me with the saddest eyes possible & told me he didn’t hear a murmur but that he saw signs of Down Syndrome...I felt like he had slapped me across the face...Literally...What was he talking about? Why hadn’t anyone for 2 days mentioned anything like this? It had to be a joke?
Alone in the hospital waiting for Craig to come & a Genetics Specialist to confirm the Pediatric Specialist’s hunch, I remember feeling like I have never in my entire life felt before...Just utterly gutted...It felt like I couldn't breath...I just kept looking at Reid & praying, begging God that the doc was wrong...

The next few hours, days even, are a blur...The Genetics Specialist confirmed that Reid had Down Syndrome & my world just started spinning from there...I've never cried so much in my life...The feelings I had in the those first few days ranged from being heartbroken to angry to scared to guilty...
I was heartbroken for what it meant to my “perfect” little family...It wouldn’t be the life I envisioned us all having...Noal wouldn’t have the “normal” brother/sister relationship like I had with my brother...Craig wouldn't get to experience certain things in life that a dad/daughter share...I wouldn’t get the daughter I so badly wanted to teach everything in me to...
I was angry thinking why us? Why this little darling Reid? Why my funny little boy Noal? We’ve already been through so much & worked so hard in life- why this now on top of other things?

I was scared & still am about Reid’s life...At the time I didn’t know much about Down Syndrome and all I heard from the doctors was that there usually is other complications & she’ll have to be tested for this & that...

And I felt guilty about a lot of things...At first I kept playing the pregnancy over & over in my head- Did I do something wrong...Before I knew I was pregnant I was bloody jumping on a trampoline, I had a few gin & tonics on Mother’s day, & I picked up Noal the entire pregnancy...Did I cause this?

Then I felt guilty for feeling so sad & angry...I would look at her & to me she still seemed perfect...It still felt like the doctors were wrong...She to me just looked like my perfect little Reid & then I’d feel guilty for being so sad about things...I felt like she could sense I was sad and then felt guilty because that wasn’t fair to her...She was here & she was mine & no matter what, she was my perfect daughter so I should be happy...But those first few days I just couldn’t get out from the shock & blow of it all...

Thank God on high for my husband...I truly am with the person I am meant to be with...he held me up during that first week like no one else could...I love you Craig more than ever before...thank you for holding me during this...He said something to me that meant more than anything else & that will see us through this next challenging part of our journey...He said, “I’d rather have a harder life with you than an easier life with someone else”....Same Choo...Same....
That first week I just felt like it was all a bad dream...We had to go to numerous doc/specialist appts & have since learned that Reid will have to have serious eye & heart surgeries within the first few months of her life...Praying harder than I ever have that the hole in her heart closes & than she wouldn’t need the heart surgery...Let me tell you nothing has prepared me in life for a doctor advising me on signs to look for if my daughter goes into heart failure...It's just something you never want to hear, never want to be aware of & I pray a miracle happens & my baby girl's heart is made whole...PRAY FRIENDS PLEASE...

I'm just so beyond stunned...I just keep looking at her & praying that she will be okay...That she will survive these surgeries & that Craig & I will look back at these life changing days in a few years and smile at how much they changed us as people...Our whole lives will forever be different & I know deep down it's all for a reason...I can feel myself shifting to thinking more in that place instead of this sad, angry, scared, guilty place I’ve been in for 2 weeks...

I know she's here to teach us stuff in life and she'll undoubtedly change all of us to be more beautiful people...The worries I have about her & Noal not having the same relationship as me & my brother have been replaced with knowing she will teach Noal to be a sweeter, kinder little boy than just I could have taught him to be..... And I know we've been chosen to be her parents....Only 1 in every 700-800 babies has this disorder, she is strong & survived so far for a reason... She needs us & really when I think about it we need her... So, my goal is to raise another happy soul regardless the challenges...

So, there's my heart friends...It's broken & scared but a few things have lifted me up...As mentioned my Craig has been my rock- no surprise there- He is the strongest person I know & with him I can do anything...Our little family will be perfect...We will be that family that yes has challenges but that others look at & smile & even envy not look at us with pity...

Noal has also played a huge part in turning my thoughts around...When he kissed Reid for the first time I just about died...I realized right then & there that the relationship that the two of them will have will be beyond special & I don't need to worry about that piece of it...Yes, Noal's life will be different because of Reid but it's my job as their mumma to let them know it's exactly as God planned it to be...


Another moment I had was walking in to Reid's nursery...I spent days getting my crafty side on & making sure it was perfect...I walked into it a few days after getting home from the hospital & one of the paintings I had made above her crib read, "Life is beautiful because you are here"...This for some reason brought me to my knees...I cried harder than I ever have in my life...But it also was healing...I left the anger & hurt there in her room & truly got up from my knees feeling that my life, that Noal & Craig's life, that our family & friend's lives will all be brighter & more beautiful because of this special, unique, baby girl...


Family & friends have been amazing through this too...Please know every hug, word, thought & prayer has helped lift my heart...Everyone who encouraged Craig & I, dropped off food, sent flowers or gifts, checked in on us with calls, emails & texts...We thank you...We feel the love, appreciate it more than you'll know & might need encouragement along the way...


So, friends, think of my little Reid & my little family in the next little while...





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I have a belly like Santa & much more...You jealous?

I know, I know it's been over a month since I've sat down & even looked at my blog...Some Blogger I am eh? But in my defense, this has been an insane month...As mentioned, the Hubs moved to our new place, 7 hours away from our little town- So, I was single parenting, 8 mths prego, while working a full time job & having open houses to try & sell our home...Hello exhaustion how are you?

Saying good bye to my gals was pretty hard...Not going to lie...They have played such an important part in my life & I truly am going to miss them on the day to day stuff...I have been so lucky in life with having such amazing girlfriends...And I'm so thankful for the friendships I have had...Miss you gals so much already...

So, Noal, Deac & I finally made the move at the end of Nov & I've been busy trying to unpack our house and get organized before this baby girl comes...

 
According to the doc's, it's any day now so I'm thankful the house is ready, her room & clothes are good to go & I even had time to put up a Christmas tree...My girlfriends were all over me about that one when I told them we'll see how it goes- they demanded Noal needed a tree for Christmas...so here she is & here's my big belly.... 
 

Speaking of big bellies...I walked into a store the other day & saw a little boy maybe around 6 or so look at me wide eyed & then turned to his mum and say, "Mum, look she has a belly like Santa"...Bloody hell...I do look ridiculous- My belly is soo big...My new doc has even referred to it as tumour...Nice eh?

So, I hate this waiting part- especially with having a 17mth old baby boy now
to worry about...I didn't really get to this anxious part with Noal because he was almost 4 weeks early...But, with her I find I am way more anxious for her to come...I'd much rather her come now but with my luck she'll be the Diva she's made to be & come Christmas or New Year's Eve....

Anyways, my darling baby boy knows something is up...He's been through such changes the last month or so...Starting with his dad being gone for a month, then moving into a new house with a new room- which he does seem to love...His old room had bright lime light green walls which I loved & which I will eventually change this room into...But for now here's what it looks like...
Daycare has been a bit of a challenge...he went from being in a baby room with one other little boy & having the attention & love of "Miss Kerri", to moving to a Toddler room with 15 bigger kids, sleeping on a cot & being the smallest little mouse in the room...A bigger kid bit him the other day & this Mumma went nutso....Imagine me, 9 mths prego all emotional as it is, barging in there scooping him up & making the biggest deal in the world about it...Protective Mumma Bear came out in full force...

All in all, Noal seems to be accepting the changes well...he's sleeping good, loves his puppy more than ever & is growing up so fast it's killing me...Here's some pics & videos of my Bubs the last month or so...

 





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